Category Archives: house

i see a skull when i pee

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We moved into our new house a little more than a year ago and like with most new things, you discover things you never noticed before as the days creep along.

One recent discovery kinda creeps me out. And when I say kinda, I mean a whole helluvalot, but I think it’d be expensive to fix so let’s talk this through together.

Here’s the sit-U-ation. My parents went away for a week’s vacation…No, that’s not it! The real situation: Here’s my view when I use the toilet in our master bath:

Innocent enough, right? Until you have reason to sit there a while (hypothetically) and your eyes start wandering. They start focusing in on the details. Then you see this staring back at you.

BOO! There’s a friggin’ skull in my bathroom tile. Staring me down each and every time I sit there. Hello, Privacy please! And now I can’t unsee him. He’s burned in my head and says hello (in a super creepy, eerie voice) each time I’m there. It’s the first thing my eyes see when I sit down and it’s quite tragic.

Possible solutions:

  • Color over him with a Sharpie, Crayola or watercolors. Maybe an airbrush.
  • Remove the tile and replace with new tile.
  • Become his friend by striking up a conversation, thereby no longer being frightened to use my own toilet. I’m in the right location anyway if he starts talking back to me!
  • Do not look down when peeing.
  • Close the bathroom door.

Now the solution may be as simple as closing the door. But who does that when their master bath is one big room and the other door is shut? Really, who does that?

I think watercolors may be my best option.

to the suburbs young lady!

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A year ago we went house hunting, and a year ago we stumbled upon our amazing new home.

We’d gone house hunting just to see what was available. My husband had been offered a promotion, we were interested in moving out of what was our current location, but I just wasn’t sure about moving where we had to for this promotion. We’d lived here once before and when we left, I was happy to be leaving.

But this go’round we’d be living in the suburbs, and one suburb is the same as another suburb is the same as that other cul-de-sac, right?  I was fearful of cul-de-sac living, but I was driving a minivan at this point, so this was the obvious next step my life was required to take. Obviously.

We decided to go house hunting one weekend to see if I could make this move. We were just looking. Just looking….

Nevermind that I had yet to talk to my boss about moving locations for work nor had we sold our then current house. But my boss is a cool dude, he’s big time and he wears boat shoes. Of course he’s gonna be cool with a superstar employee simply moving where she puts her laptop. Nothing else about my super-star-ness (word that’s used in my personnel file I’m sure!) was gonna change. We also hadn’t sold our other house. We’d dumped a shit-ton of money into the place, cheap things like new roofs and refinishing 3 levels of hardwood just to unload sell to some nice, well-deserving folk. And I had buried a St Joseph out back so our house was so gonna sell (upside down? backwards? forwards? toward the for sale sign? St Joseph = sooo much pressure!!). Someday, our place was totally gonna sell.

So we went house hunting. And then house hunting turned into house buying, which turned into contract signing just a few days later. Since we’s Rockefella’s owning two houses is exactly what we wanted to be doing. Rock-a-fella’s!

And it was so the right decision. I don’t do that right decision thing very often. It’s been amazing! Our other house sold several weeks later, we came down here on weekends while the kids finished up most of their school year and then we were here. No more back & forth. Officially in our new house which super quickly became our new home!

The fun girl that had lived here previously had a gene I never got. It’s called the Type A cleaning gene and my sister stole all of that in our family. Somehow, with 4 four kids, the previous owners of our great house attacked every spec of dust. You could even walk on the garage floor and feel nothing on your feet. Nothing. Spic & Span. I’d like to think we love this house just as much as they did, but you’ll find dust in my house. You’ll find dog hair. Your feet are gonna get dirty walking thru my garage. Dare I say you *may* even find clutter around here. Maybe, if you look hard enough (i.e. your eyes are open).

But it’s now our house, our home. We are still in love a year later. Both with the house and where we landed. We got the right place in the suburbs for us.

And I feel spoiled each day. I really, really wasn’t liking where I lived for a really, really long time. I really, really liked a ton of the people, I’d just really, really outgrown the where. Now I’m spoiled. It’s nothing special nor is it anything grand. It’s just simple, it’s safe and I’m not finding reasons each day why it’s okay to live where I’m living. I’m not searching high and low to find reasons to be okay with the schools, I can walk anywhere I want in the dark without looking over my shoulder and driving in the parking lot of my new grocery store doesn’t make me bat-shit crazy. I simply live where I live and I love it! It’s easy. And we’ve met some crazy, good people which always helps. (You know how you are!)

And this is just the way I like it. The way I wanted it to be. Ott mama is happy. (living in the suburbs, driving a minivan. WHO AM I???) And when ott mama is happy, the whole world is happy. The. whole. wide. world!

Even the kids…

And the dogs

a better mousetrap

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Dear label-sticky-sticker-madness-maker:

You’ve gotta change your ways. You’re really starting to piss me off. WHY oh WHY do you have to put a label on things, all things, that is impossible to get off? WHY oh WHY can these not easily peel from one corner, in one fell swoop? WHY oh WHY is this sooo hard?

I purchased new folders for my kids. We are gonna organize the crap outta their Picasso-like artwork. Just as soon as I peel off the annoying sticker placed right over what’s marketed to me as the “customizable front cover.”

This is 1.5 hours after the peeling began. There are approximately 1.5 million pieces of little, sticky, madness, stickiness. Some of them microscopic. If I am to die today, I guarantee the coroner is gonna find sticky stickiness under my fingernails and cry for me!

Seriously, this is annoying. We need to come together and fix this. We also need to figure out how to make a sticker part of our customized cover design!

weapons of mass destruction

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Germs are waging war in the Ott House so I’m coming back at ‘em with my guns a’blazing and my very own WMDs.

We’ve got ourselves a little bit of this:

Followed up with a full-body slathering of this:

Wiped down with a little of this:

And there isn’t a surface in this house that hasn’t been sprayed by this:

Game on Germs! A word of warning – YOU’RE GOING DOOOWWN!

ding dong ditch’d

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Well it happened. Last night I was ding dong ditch’d for the very first time. This is a big moment in a girl’s life. You wait for the night. When’s it gonna happen? Will it be everything I want it to be? Will there be candles? Will I like it as much as the girl next door? WAIT! What am I writing about?

Oh yeh, my first time getting ding dong ditch’d. So last night it happened. Let me set the stage for you my dear reader. Will has a fever, he’s tired. Hannah’s in cooperation mode helping Mommy play nurse while Dad is out of town. I get both kids in the bathtub and done by 7pm. UNHEARD of! Both kids in bed by 7:30pm. UNHEARD of! I’m going to crawl into bed myself before 9pm. NOT SO UNHEARD of!

So it’s a little before 8, I think, all the lights are off in the house except the glow of my Steve Jobs reading device. Door bell rings! What the what? Who’s here and who wants to play? Dammit I gotta put some pants on!

I sneak downstairs in the dark and see no one in the shadows. But there sits a tiny little bag. What the what? Did I forget something somewhere? Does someone know Will is sick and dropped off McDonalds for a late dinner?? Is there a 40 in there?

In the darkness, the bag does not appear to be steaming (I’ve heard stories about ding dong ditch’n) but appears kinda sparkly. And here is what I find:

So thank you kind person(s). My first ding dong ditch experience was a great one. You made me smile on a hard night dealing with single momness and a sick kid. You made us feel welcomed in a neighborhood we already feel horribly welcomed. You made me feel like one of the cool kids and for that I thank you!

Now I’m off to eat some candy for breakfast and see if I can get adult acne! And for that I don’t thank you. But thank you!!

just stick a pencil in it

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Let me start by asking a question. Are you taking your refrigerator for granted? Have you thanked your refrigerator for all the great work it’s done for you lately?

Or do you just go about your day, assuming it’ll keep things cold, doing what it should while you go about your day doing what you should?

Yeah, I was the latter. I took my refrigerator for granted. That was until 3 weeks ago. (And apparently in those 3 weeks all I’ve focused on is my refrigerator and haven’t written crap on this blog.  SORRY DAD!)

Our refrigerator took a big shit (again SORRY DAD – such a potty mouth!) about 3 weeks ago! Our big fancy stainless steel, I dispense water, I can cube or crush your ice and I can keep all your fancy food from the grocery store take out cold refrigerator DIED. Dead. Regrouped and thought 60 degrees was cold enough for dairy. And ketchup. Dead. No more worky. Stupid thing was no longer folding my clothes either!

Well lucky us as we’d decided to get a home warranty when we “moved on up.” And how amazingly helpful are these fine folks at Mr. Home Warranty company that they like to come to my house every week just to try to fix the problem again and again? So very SUPER helpful! Let me just say that the technician sent yesterday (visit #3) fixed it with a pencil. A friggin’ PENCIL.  A pencil I supplied no less! (Please see exhibit A below with sparkly, fancy pencil in upper left corner)

That’s right. Our big fancy stainless steel, I dispense water, I can cube or crush your ice and I can keep all your fancy food from the grocery store take out cold but I can’t fold your laundry refrigerator is now on life support being held together by one of my children’s sparkly, fancy pencils.

Until tomorrow when the third and I’m hoping final part is received. Which then gets to sit in my house, untouched, until super helpful technician can get himself back over here. NEXT Monday! I guess it’s super-busy appliance repair season.

Until then I’ll just have to

(a) fill this fridge without knocking out the fancy, sparkly pencil keeping the damper door open (yeah I know what a damper is. I also know about misters, not Mr’s., evaporators and control boards.  Curious to know any more about a Whirlpool Gold? Give me a ring. I’m tell ya what you need to know and send you a sparkly pencil!)

(b) continue to keep my food in the emergency, newly purchased at 7am from my new best friends at Lowes, Frigidaire refrigerator now in the garage. Hello new Beer ”Food Overflow” Fridge!

And yes, that’s a fancy bottle of fancy champagne from our housewarming 5 months ago. Thassss just how we roll. FAHHNCY!

public service announcement: wax melts

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Something about this doesn’t look exactly like it did in the Crate & Barrel catalog.

I checked Restoration Hardware. Not like that in their catalog either.

Wonder if it’s the heat index of 110? Wonder where I can find non-melting candles? Wonder how they make it not melt in their catalog backyards?

a spy in my own house

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In my new home office, I get to sit at my desk, stare out the front window and watch all of the going ons in my ‘hood. (My grandmother would be so proud of me keeping track of everything and everyone! She’s the best at it.)

These past 10 minutes have been by far the most entertaining to date.

Let me set up the photos you are about to see. We decided to use Scott’s Lawn Care. We would use Good Nature (a rockin’ company in Cleveland owned by a friend of Mike’s from college), but they haven’t grown this far south.  (FYI – also available for those of you in C-Bus). I digressed.

Back to Scott’s. The former owners of this place used them. I called. They have an organic program – kids & dogs & all. I signed up. This was weeks ago. No one was showing up. But being the patient person I am, I wait and wait. To find out if Mr. Scotts is ever coming to my yard.

He just arrived. And he parked out front. Where he proceeded to:

A) Blow his socks out with his leaf blower

B) Blow his shoes out with his leaf blower

C) Begin to seed/fertilizer/Mr Scotts up my yard

I can’t make this stuff up people.  And I obviously need to invest in some better spy equipment cause the photos are grainy & crappy!

one last #%^&%$#@

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May I never, ever again have the privilege of trying to sell a house in a super crappy market! I know, I know, I know…”shut up LADY! You and your magical St Joseph sold your house.” Right, I hear ya!

However, yesterday was a bit of a nightmare and I’m going to write all about it an attempt to let it go and move on with my life share. As you may know we had our house on the market for about 4 months and the place sold. Which was great news as we’d already found our new house and plans were in the works to move.

After not much negotiating we took a huge loss agreed on a sale price, had the inspection and the appraiser came by. The inspection went well. Only a couple of things to fix on the side & back of the garage. Oh & the city added 1/2 a driveway apron and a block of sidewalk needing replaced to an already violation free inspection, but whatever. Nothing major, nothing in the house, so easy enough.

Easy enough until you hire crap contractors and attempt to monitor work from several hours away! The work took way too long and wasn’t done completely.  This required the husband to take a day trip North last Saturday to fix a bunch o’crap. By the end of the day, all was well & fixed. Our agent even said so.

Yesterday, the buyers agent did the final walk through for them since they are from out of town. She said all look great except the white paint splattered on the driveway. WHAT THE WHAT? Our agent went by the place and took a picture. What the what quickly turned into much, much, much more violent language on my part!

Who the____ did this ____ paint job on my ___ driveway you stupid _____(s)!!  (attempt at MadLibs in light of all my underage readers)

We had neighbors try to clean it (THANK YOU!), we offered up even more cash to the buyers just to make it go away. The buyers simply want it cleaned. Fair enough! So this morning our agent has some magic guy coming by to clean it up.

And until this is fixed, the final contingencies are not removed from their loan so the paperwork is stopped.  Once this is fixed, paperwork continues and needs about 48 hours.  Which really sucks cause they are expecting to move tomorrow. They’ve done everything they should and have their truck dropping all their contents tomorrow and the cable guy is to make an appearance. We’ve agreed to let them take ownership prior to the closing expecting all to be final within 5 days.

I was in Rust Belt City last week for meetings and stopped by the house. I left a six pack of Burning River in the fridge with a “Welcome to Rust Belt City” message. I truly hope they enjoy the brew and not think we are total assholes!